I’m feeling sad.
I’ve been feeling kind of down lately. I’m sure I’m not the only one whose moods or feelings go up and down. On top of the general sadness, I feel a kind of guilt or shame for feeling down when I have so much good. I missed a couple of weeks of writing this email because we had a pleasant week with family in Washington and a beautiful weekend camping by the ocean with our little trailer. Our kids and grandkids are healthy and doing fine; we have our health, jobs, and on and on. Compared to so many, we’re incredibly fortunate. So what right do I have to feel down?!
Do these kinds of thoughts run through your mind, too? I think both things can be true in us at once: I am grateful for the abundant gifts God gives me, and I am sad about things that are happening in my world, or I am just generally down.
Today, in my devotions, I read Luke 1:26–38, where the angel Gabriel visits Mary and tells her she’s going to have a baby who she should name Jesus and who will be the Messiah. I practiced imaginative contemplation and made a kind of movie in my mind. I started with an aerial shot of Nazareth (I have no idea what Nazareth looked like, but I made it up as I went along) and then slowly zoomed down to Mary’s house, into the kitchen where she was finishing cleaning it up. When she walked out the door onto her front porch, there was this angel! I imagined her, this young girl, kind of stumbling backward, lifting her arms as if to ward off this strange being. In the story, Gabriel says, “Do not be afraid, Mary; you have found favor with God.” That seems to help calm her down, but then when the angel tells her she will get pregnant and have a son, along with the news that that son will become the king who “will reign over the house of Jacob,…whose kingdom will never end,” she’s thrown for a loop again.
Yesterday, I heard a man describing an event where he mystically, physically felt God’s presence. He said he was standing on a beach looking out at the ocean, and a great light came over him, and he felt God’s love inside him, filling him up. It was such a powerful experience, but so strange, that he became convinced he had brain cancer and asked a doctor for a CAT scan.
In the movie in my mind of Mary and Gabriel, I imagined that she, too, felt that mystical, physical love of God filling her up as the angel said, “No word from God will ever fail,” — nothing is impossible with God. I prayed for that experience of God’s love filling me up, too. And I pray that for you.
In a previous email, I wrote about a sermon by Nadia Bolz-Weber, where she said just hearing, “Do not be afraid,” doesn’t actually stop the fear. I can’t just turn off the fear when someone says that, and I’m sure Mary couldn’t, either. As Nadia says, the fearful things don’t go away. Covid-19 is still running rampant. People are still rioting. My loved ones and I still go through difficult times that make me sad or scared or both. Nadia wrote:
Maybe the opposite of fear isn’t bravery. Maybe the opposite of fear is love. Paul tells us that perfect love casts out fear.
I think this is true for sadness, too. Faith in God does not make you happy all the time. Saying, “Do not be sad” does not take away the sadness any more than saying, “Do not be afraid” takes away the fear. But, just like with fear, maybe the opposite of sadness is love.
Of course, if your sadness or fear is at an uncontrollable level, if you are at a point where you need professional help, it won’t go away just by thinking about love. I’m not saying that. I am grateful for the medicines and professionals who can bring healing to us when our sadness or fear is overwhelming.
And although I pray for a mystical, physical feeling of being filled with God’s love, I don’t always have that feeling — in fact, that feeling is rare. Maybe it’s only once in a lifetime; perhaps I won’t ever feel it; maybe I can only imagine it. (But I hate to say “only imagine” as if that is so little.) What I can do, though, is remember. I can remember that God loves me, that he thinks I’m terrific, that he delights in my company. And I can turn my mind to loving others the way God loves me.
There’s no way to stop from feeling sadness. It’s only natural that you and I have sad days and happy days. Beyond that cycle of sad-happy-sad-happy is the neverending love of God. It doesn’t go up and down. It’s steady and unwavering. May you each feel and remember: God loves you, he thinks you’re terrific, and he delights in your company.
Originally published at http://www.mavismoon.com.